Crabs

It's a little known fact that crabs are a creation of Satan. You see those crabs in that picture there? They're red! RED. Now, the red isn't the only thing that's evil about these CRABS. You see, they have pincers. And do you know what they do with those pincers?! I'm not really sure myself, but one thing's for sure, they hurt if they're around finger. And one last thing about these demonic creatures, they have holes that they live in! No one on this planet knows what they're doing in those EVIL holes, but it's most likely that they're plotting with Satan to take over the world. Don't forget that they're RED.

RED.

Five reasons why you suck if you didn't play Psychonauts

Recently, Double Fine Productions announced Costume Quest, an adventure-RPG coming to PSN and XBLA this halloween, and you know what? I'm honestly surprised that my favorite game studio is still around after the BOMB that Brutal Legend was. But Brutal Legend wasn't Double Fine's first flop, before Brutal Legend, there were the Psychonauts, psychically armed soldiers who can do shit with their minds, and you asshats let them die. 

#1: It's probably the best-written game ever (and that includes BioWare). 
Doctor Loboto: Little boy, I am sorry to say that you have a very serious mental problem. The trouble originates in this area here. The area that we in the medical profession like to refer to as... the brain! You see, son... it's just no good! I hate to be so blunt, but... you have the insanity... of a manatee!
Dogen: I know. People are always saying that. What do you think's wrong with my brain, doctor?
Doctor Loboto: How should I know, I'm a dentist. But here's what I do know: if a tooth is bad, you pull it!


I'm not really sure I have to say anything more about the quality of the writing, but the story fits quite well with this and is quite a mystery plot and each and every mind that you enter is atmospheric, intriguing and FUN to play through.
Also it sort've pioneered audio logs with slide shows that explains bits about the character who's mind you're in. And that's full of Kickassedness in and of itself.


#2: Its a platformer that isn't Mario. 

We all love you Mario, but there has to be room for ONE other platformer, right?

Selling a product in this genre that doesn't have a certain italian plumber is definitely a hard sell to the general public, and as much as you don't want to admit it, it's also a hard sell to you.
Most of us gave up hope on the platforming genre right after Super Mario 64, which I'm sure a great few of you agree to be the greatest platformer of all time. The question I have, is why? Is it because Sonic has slunk into a depression? Maybe you think it's because platformers are archaic.
But I beg you to believe me, Psychonauts ISN'T archaic, it's rejuvenated by a lack of giant mutant turtles and a stolen princess, it's made immeasurably better by the fact that you're playing as a main character that you actually like, not just some overweight italian fuck-up who eats mushrooms in his spare time. Not only is it not archaic, it's in fact the most modern platformer out there. And that even beats littleBIGPlanet.

#3: Theres a LOT to do. 
Collecting Figments, completing scavenger hunts, digging for arrowheads, clearing mental cobwebs, exploring the campgrounds, creating and finding PSI challenge markers, finding all of the hidden mental slideshows, collecting lost camper's brains and reaching Rank 100 are just the beginning of everything you can do. Everything is a blast to do and most of them are cleverly hidden and require actual thought to find, and all that adds up to a HUGE game that lasts around twenty-five hours.

#4:  Tim Schafer really deserved to have a hit. 
If you didn't know, Tim Schafer was one of the principal writers of the Monkey Island games, and if you've ever played The Secret of Monkey Island, you'd understand why I'm RAVING over the writing in Psychonauts. Tim Schafer and the other fine folks at Double Fine have yet to have a hit game, and you know what? I think they deserve it more than anyone out there. Double Fine? If you're reading, you're brilliant.

This guy is awesome

#5: The characters are all likable and deeper than you'd think. 

This is Linda, she's a hulking,giant lungfish from the bottom of lake oblongata,
the inside of her mind is a tiny metropolis thats filled with tiny versions of
herself. Also she has a romantic history with a talking  frog named Mr. Pokeylopes.

And Linda is only the beginning. There ends up being around a dozen minds you enter, and almost all of them have hidden areas where the specific character has a hidden or repressed memory that you have to help them deal with, and by the end of the game, you'll have fought all of their demons, lived their nightmares and made you and them stronger from it. I'd try to give you some sort of game that gave you a similar experience, but that's just it, theres absolutely nothing else like Psychonauts out there, and thats why you suck for not playing it.

Raccoons stole my garbage

DEADBEAT BASTARDS!

 I understand that garbage is, in fact, garbage, but many times, I throw away such devices that ought not be thrown away, in violent clusterfucks my therapist likes to call "tantrums", and one such of these items was my iPad (mainly usable only as a serving plate) that ran me $500.
But then those damn raccoons stole it and probably took it to their evil little raccoon lairs and eat it.

Don't trust Raccoons, their little masks around their eyes are to protect their identities while they swindle you out of a good serving plate.

I absolutely HATE rain

This post should be understandable if you're one of the millions of billions of people who have experienced the idiotic masterpiece known as rain. If you hate rain as much as I do, don't read on.
But, if you're one of the lucky few who have never experienced the freezing chill, deafening sound and unsavory smell of rain, I highly suggest you read on, and uncover the shrill, creeping, inevitable unpleasantness that is rain.

The unbearable, infinite sorrow that lies in the aftermath of rain.

As you all can tell from the inclosed picture, rain leaves behind as much chaos as there was while it was raining down from the clouds. This damp, cold, dirty tundra that we are forced to trudge through after every session of rain is actually worsened when you're trapped in the tiny claustrophobic box that is better known as a car. 

This should be avoided if possible. 

Also, the unbearable patter of rain on roofs everywhere has the truly despicable side-effects including, but not limited to; paranoia, blurry photographs, shiny eyes and wide-open mouths. 

Me! (from today in my hotel room)

Because you demanded it (apparently)

I had a.... Full.... Day... Ish

Despite what I've said on the blog here to the contrary, Jacksonville has been pretty cool (if you like big, boring, foggy cities, this is the place to go!). Made almost enough posts to warrant a victory dance and I made a joke about the weird architecture in Jacksonville. I was unable to sleep in a hotel and now I'm laying on a bench with my netbook blogging these final words. 

Thank you, and good night

We're in Jacksonville!

Its like San Fransisco, without the cool

Hello people! I should say that we're live in Jacksonville but, the post title kind've makes that obvious. I've realized that this place is VEEEEERY strange. For example, 

The joggers are made out of bronze.

Penis-shaped architecture

The hotel I couldn't afford

The hotel I could afford

The healing towels outside the hotel

Look out for more articles throughout the week on the freakiness of this strange town.

My agenda and why you need to shut up and listen

As you can tell by now, I like fabricating complete LIES. This blog may not be funny to your friends but that might be because most of the comedy found here is in this site's complete incoherence to itself. This isn't a crazy person's blog (yet), this is a battle cry, this is a sign, and I leave you with this.