Crabs

It's a little known fact that crabs are a creation of Satan. You see those crabs in that picture there? They're red! RED. Now, the red isn't the only thing that's evil about these CRABS. You see, they have pincers. And do you know what they do with those pincers?! I'm not really sure myself, but one thing's for sure, they hurt if they're around finger. And one last thing about these demonic creatures, they have holes that they live in! No one on this planet knows what they're doing in those EVIL holes, but it's most likely that they're plotting with Satan to take over the world. Don't forget that they're RED.

RED.

Raccoons stole my garbage

DEADBEAT BASTARDS!

 I understand that garbage is, in fact, garbage, but many times, I throw away such devices that ought not be thrown away, in violent clusterfucks my therapist likes to call "tantrums", and one such of these items was my iPad (mainly usable only as a serving plate) that ran me $500.
But then those damn raccoons stole it and probably took it to their evil little raccoon lairs and eat it.

Don't trust Raccoons, their little masks around their eyes are to protect their identities while they swindle you out of a good serving plate.