Once upon a fairy tale in a land far far away from adult, graphically violent, foul languaged stories about love, life and A gopher named Davie, A beautiful princess was born.
If you're thinking that is the location in which this tale is set, you're a gullible idiot who needs to learn when I'm using sarcasm.
My life began like many others, my father was a turkish volcano insurance salesman with tourettes and a chip on his shoulder, my mother died before I was born in an unfortunate accident with a narwhal that had one eye (Told you so). After my father was fired after yet another one of his unfortunate outbursts, he was forced into working at the local aquarium to pay for my anglosaxophone lessons, a hobby that was forced upon me by my grief counselor when I was three-ish. My life was quaint and normal-ish, until one fateful early morning at the aquarium while my father was feeding the narwhals when he saw a grizzled old narwhal with one, scarred eye. My father was filled with rage at the sight of this beast being still alive and jumped into the tank, I was told that my father did unrepairable damage to that narwhal, and he even scratched out his only eye, but in the end, my dad was outnumbered and outclassed. Later that day, he was found in the narwhal tank, impaled by the same narwhal that killed his wife. I was eleven at the time and I did what any normal-ish kid would do in that situation, I ran away.
I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me into the forest, where I knew I was safe from the narwhals that had killed my parents. I was found by a magical gopher named Davie, he raised me like one of his own, but that children, is a completely different tale.*
*This story is complete bullshit
