Enslaved: a review

Spoilers lie ahead (probably)

To whom it may concern

In this world we live in, there are all people of all sorts, whether they are musicians or conformists, composers or the symphony, the rulers of this here earth or just the glue that holds the kings together, we're all somebody. And I'm a bit of an author.

I think despite my chronic not-posting on the blog, I'd like to take another break, except this one is being announced. I love posting on this blog, but who the hell is reading it? Is it that ridiculous to want to do something substantial and real? I'm an author, but, no offense to the blog, I've been toiling away performing a fool's errand. Nobody gives a fuck if I post, in fact, I doubt anyone will read this beyond a small circle of my friends who read the damn thing once a week or whenever I yell at them to read it.

For once in my life, I'd like to do something that might be known by people I've never met and enjoyed by people everywhere, and as of now, this blog isn't everywhere. But I might be able to write a novel that is. Maybe even a series of novels. Just because I haven't even finished writing one decent, readable book and screwed up every story I've ever written with a choppy storyline or a convoluted plot twist doesn't mean I have to fail again. Self-determination is not a malfunction. I will finish something. And you know what? It'll probably be pretty fucking awesome.

If the other authors on the blog choose to write, comment on their fucking posts. If you don't comment and give constructive criticism, there is no motivation to post, and the blog will go quiet again, believe it or not, authors just need one big fan to drive their work further, and although you may think that someone else will do it, this blog doesn't exactly have that many readers (five, and three of them are authors).

All due respect and wish me luck,

The Clown Prince of Crime,

Sonny Ebsary.

The River Wild

The mirror was broken in the name of vanity.
The seeker was a token from which to buy the insanity.
The lake calms, the river wild,
Something I watch every once, every while.

My heart was human, my head was moving,
But nothing seemed to beat.
I looked upon the river wild,
Which and where nothing fell to sleep.

The river captured and swallowed up,
The lake stood by and by still.
The river raged and rallied corrupt.
While the lake sent a smile and vibes of good will.

The lake has stooped and lost and compromised
And the river never hides its lying eyes.
The whole rivers and lakes and all of their waters,
Are sullied and polluted and I wonder why bother.

I wish I had hope in this great ocean o' blue,
But this young hopeful's hope is running out too.

All you as well have this problem and ask and take:
Why do we support this frivolous lake?

I'll say this once and I'll say this again,
An enemy is worse than a disappointing friend.

Sorry about the lack of posts for the thousandth time!

I am an AWFUL person! I've not been keeping up the blog! And also, Ryder is apparently NOT posting again. He's playing KOTOR. The SECOND one. ALL THE TIME.

But I actually have an excuse as to the lack of posts this time, inspired by cave story mod my fellow bloggers made, I started to make a game of my own. And its kind've awesome.

Pokemon of the day: Larvitar

Todays Pokemon of the day is Larvitar. The little emo, ground fucker.
He sports eyeliner and has a wood on his head.(;D)
But, overall, he is awesome. Because eventually he will evolved into Pupitar.

And then into Tyranitar...







IF YOU GET THIS FUCKER TO LV. 55. HAH.

-Ryder

Authoring month is cancelled, but 100 posts is still happening

My fellow authors aren't posting, but I pledge to you, the readers, that no matter what, our hundredth post will happen, and not only will it happen, but it will happen this goddam month. Even if it kills me.

Sorry about the lack of posts!

My fellow authors are turning out to be less reliable then I previously thought, though I don't mean to blame them for anything, the lack of posts is most certainly my fault.

Heavy Rain: the review

SPOILERS BELOW

A quick post after a long break

Half the time up on the sun of where I'm done, and I guess this was where I won and had to lose again so I could see you beside a friend of where and how I met my end, but here I go again. Of which how and when and where I'm together and far between but I'm scared, of which I fell into the obscene, and yet I'm lost in your dreams. Of which you lost something, of where I think I'm not me. 

And there is why I seem so out of place, she has a name but I forgot whatserface, and why it's not okay and why it's seems like groundhog day. In hell. Which is just swell sometimes you stole my cat and gave me allergies. But everything is just as it seems.

Sick day

I'm especially sick today, so I probably will be unable to do any further posting today.

THIS IS A POST!12

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Sad sad ranting

Why Heavy Rain isn't worth your time

Heavy Rain, I despise regular rain so much, I'm surprised I bought the damn game. It promised me a dark gritty interactive film that'd be completely different every time I played it. It promised that at anytime, a choice that I could make would alter everything from that point on. It promised deep emotional connections with the characters and the characters having deep emotional connections with each other. It told me that it would barely itself be a game.

Then it made me change a baby's fucking diaper and the whole thing went,
for lack of a better word, to shit. 

Simon R.I.P.

Simon and I had an argument over the length of his Pokemon of the Day posts and he is no longer posting on the blog in any capacity. The Level of the Day posts will stop and the Pokemon of the day posts will unlikely to be continued unless Ryder or Matt decide to say something about it.

Layel Simon, Rest in Peace

UPDATE: Ryder says he'll be doing any further Pokemon of the Day posts.

Level of the Day 2

And NOW, the Level of the Day. This level is a level at the start of a game (Unlike yesterday). This level, is the Emerald Hill Zone of Sonic the Hedgehog 2. This level is very similar to Green Hill Zone in that it's at the start of the game, is a grassy area with upbeat music, and has similar enemies. One difference is that the colors are much better than before and has a colorful background. Actually, in my opinion, it has better music than Green Hill Zone. And that's all there really is to say on THIS level...

Pokemon of the Day 5

Now, going back to the less detailed Pokemon of the Day, it's a Pokemon introduced in Generation 2. It's an octopus colored red. It's the Water type and it's evolution chain makes no sense whatsoever. The Pokemon of the day is, Octillery!

Dearest readers,

I'm afraid that I will no longer be posting about the incredibly important axis of satan any longer, I'm afraid that although I began writing about them, you'll have to look to Ryder and Simon for any further posts about them. And although I'm sure you'll all miss my posts, read forward for my last rant about my old enemy.

Pokemon of the Day 4

Hey! I'm guessing you were expecting another short, one-sentence post by Simon about a random pokemon of his choice, but guess what, every sunday, I'll be doing pokemon of the day and hopefully make my posts a bit longer than Simon's.

So, getting down to business, today's pokemon is...

Level of the Day 1

And now, introducing another new daily thing, it's the Level of the Day. Now to start off the levels, I would like to make the first one one of the hardest I've ever played. It's called the Great Palace, in Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. Now, the thing that REALLY makes this palace difficult is the extreme unfairness of most of the enemies. Basically, they are either nearly impossible to hit or aren't killable and hit you as soon as you jump. Also, the second to last boss is pretty difficult, and it's just about the easiest thing to defeat in this palace. And once you finally complete it, you are awarded with a second quest (Kind of) and amazing music. That's really all there is to say about THIS level.....

Pokemon of the Day 3

Alright, now it's time for the Pokemon of the Day! Today, we have a very strange Pokemon. I'm not even sure what it was based off of. It's of the Poison type and is a spherical ball of gas. This Pokemon is none other than Koffing!

The Beatles Vs. The Hollies

Okay, well there is a lot dispute over these two groups.
And I shall lay down the fact's for you.

The Hollies:

The Hollies had mostly the same music over their years, but they did try other psychedelic, folk music and experiments with different instruments. And a lot of their songs were commercial because they were afraid of not selling(LOL).
They also mainly focused on vocal harmonies. They did focus on the music a lot too, but the vocal harmonies in their songs cannot be matched by any other group.
But, over the years, the band went over some member changes. So, that made a different sound in their harmonies. The first big hit to The Hollies harmonies change was from the first high-tenor singer, Graham Nash, who left in 1969. He had given The Hollies a glass-breaking falsetto. And with the arrival of their new high-tenor, Terry Sylvester, their music went to a more smooth sounding range of vocals.

The Beatles:

The Beatles have done it all. They've done pop, rock'n'roll, blues, folk, Indian, psychedelic, classical and experimental. And in some songs, they focused greatly upon guitars and bass, unlike The Hollies. Though The Beatles vocal harmonies was great, they could never compare to The Hollies. And they lasted only from 1963-1970, where The Hollies are still playing today, with only two of the original band members, unfortunately. But, The Beatles have received COUNTLESS awards for best selling record, best selling album and much more. In 1966 Paul McCartney(bassist, one of the main song-writers and singer) received an award for best male vocals on the song "Eleanor Rigby". George Harrison(lead guitarist, song writer and singer) is listed on Rolling Stones "Best guitarists of all time" as number 21. John Lennon has received many awards as to "Greatest voice in rock'n'roll". And Ringo Starr(drummer) continues to influence people, though not as good as Bobby Elliot(drummer for The Hollies), he keeps it simple and clean.

Really, all I can say to break between the two bands is the song writing.
The Beatles song writing just about inspired every group in history.
The Hollies was great, but they couldn't ever be compared to The Beatles in that way.

See it however you want to.
They're both awesome bands.

Thanks,

-Ryder.

60's clothing; why you should be wearing it.

Alright first off,
would you rather look like this:

Or this?:

Exactly.

Now, second of all,

You can't go wrong with 60's clothes; they look fuckin' awesome EVERYWHERE.

At the movies, awesome. At the park, awesome. At the mall, awesome.

.. At home alone, sexy.

And third, there are MANY different types of 60's clothing.

Psychedelic:

Old-fashioned:

Or just plain, straight amazing:

Thank you,

-Ryder.

Pokemon of the Day 2

Today's Pokemon of the Day is a Pokemon that reminded me slightly of my dog. This Pokemon is of the Water type and it lives in icy places. Without further ado, the second Pokemon of the Day is Seel!

Why your wallet should be empty by the end of October

For most of you gamers out there, you think that 2010 is over gamewise. This is a sweeping generalization, but I know that to many, that this is true, mainly because until recently, I thought the exact same thing. If you happen to be bored out of your goddam mind after a summer of nothing save a few promising but eventually forgotten XBLA and PSN titles, read on, for all hope is not lost.

The Death Symphony #1

Layel Story :J (or, Simon Story (beta))

So me and Ollie and Rysmugen are making a Cave Story mod.

It's called Layel Story (or, Simon Story).

It's currently in beta (alpha omega). here's da link:

click here mang.

I also recommend you play the actual game (cave story) first because it's really good. And you'll actually understand some things in the game.

alota stuff isn't finished yet so tjgtjyjtjhtjyjgfjhl;

:J

A giant movie list: PART ONE

I've decided to compile a list of my 10 favorite movies, and honestly, I'm surprised I didn't earlier. These films are in no particular order and with a short description of what's great about them.

Pokemon of the Day 1

Yep. Starting today, there will be a Pokemon featured everyday. So, since this Pokemon is one of my favorites, here is the very first Pokemon of the day, the Fifth Generation Pokemon, Wargle.

Why Justin Bieber is stupid.

Thank you.

-Ryder

The Greatest Story of All Time

Once upon a time, there was a man named Jethro.

This is more of a post for the authors but WHATEVER

Only read forward if you're an AUTHOR or a giant prick.

Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band; why it's the best Beatles album.

Well, the first thing you should realize that is has a SHIT LOAD of variety.

I may or may not be sexy to a dangerous point

Am I perhaps the most delicious feast for the eyes there has ever been?

Awful post that was the best I could get for ya.

Welp,
I'm supposed to do this.
I'm Ryder. I'm in a band. With the rest of the authors on this blog.
Matt, Simon, Sonny and me.

What is the best way to go about reviewing things?

I'm thinking about reviewing a few video games and movies and wanted to know what you, the readers, preferred in your reviews.

The Wii is a good system.........

So the Wii is a pretty good console..........

Here's why:

Dragon Ball Z has really kickass music (sometimes)

I've been running through Dragon Ball Z: Budokai 3 (a name far too long for anyone's own good) recently, mainly because its one of maybe two games on my PS2 that don't look like digitized barf on my HDTV and it has AMAZING game music. Not nearly as good as say, Kingdom Hearts or Scott Pilgrim, but still, ridiculously good music.

HAPPY NOW?

To the one guy that asked for a redesign, I want you to know,
You're a real goddam pain in the ass, y'know that?
I spent approximately TWO HOURS looking for a color that looked good and still was readable, and then another half-hour realigning the archives so that you wouldn't have to arrow down for a million years to find them and the blog doesn't even look that much better! And ANOTHER thing, Ollie is evil and won't post. SORRY.

(Don't expect a picture on this post, just consider the goddam redesign a gift from me to you.)

A video/podcast may or may not be happening

I've been trying to arrange a series for quite a while and it may be coming together. At least Rysmugen has signed on to be a part of the series and a new author might come on as well.

Best regards, Sort've Irrelevant

You are all wonderful people!

All of you voted the blog a 9-10? And you appreciated my reference to Fallout 3?

I love you guys

:DD

Crabs

It's a little known fact that crabs are a creation of Satan. You see those crabs in that picture there? They're red! RED. Now, the red isn't the only thing that's evil about these CRABS. You see, they have pincers. And do you know what they do with those pincers?! I'm not really sure myself, but one thing's for sure, they hurt if they're around finger. And one last thing about these demonic creatures, they have holes that they live in! No one on this planet knows what they're doing in those EVIL holes, but it's most likely that they're plotting with Satan to take over the world. Don't forget that they're RED.

RED.

A lovely poem

My heart won't start quite until I see you again. 
Here beside me, there unriling, I can't see the difference. 
Half in the box, half outside, 
You spun me around and allowed me to the wild side. 
I can't shake that feeling of the velvet glove. 
Take away my healing and give it to you, step inside, love. 
The door unlocks though you threw away the key, 
I looked beyond what once was evil and told you, "you look lovely".
Love is lovely, us lovely two, 
I wouldn't know love if I didn't know you.

Five reasons why you suck if you didn't play Psychonauts

Recently, Double Fine Productions announced Costume Quest, an adventure-RPG coming to PSN and XBLA this halloween, and you know what? I'm honestly surprised that my favorite game studio is still around after the BOMB that Brutal Legend was. But Brutal Legend wasn't Double Fine's first flop, before Brutal Legend, there were the Psychonauts, psychically armed soldiers who can do shit with their minds, and you asshats let them die. 

#1: It's probably the best-written game ever (and that includes BioWare). 
Doctor Loboto: Little boy, I am sorry to say that you have a very serious mental problem. The trouble originates in this area here. The area that we in the medical profession like to refer to as... the brain! You see, son... it's just no good! I hate to be so blunt, but... you have the insanity... of a manatee!
Dogen: I know. People are always saying that. What do you think's wrong with my brain, doctor?
Doctor Loboto: How should I know, I'm a dentist. But here's what I do know: if a tooth is bad, you pull it!


I'm not really sure I have to say anything more about the quality of the writing, but the story fits quite well with this and is quite a mystery plot and each and every mind that you enter is atmospheric, intriguing and FUN to play through.
Also it sort've pioneered audio logs with slide shows that explains bits about the character who's mind you're in. And that's full of Kickassedness in and of itself.


#2: Its a platformer that isn't Mario. 

We all love you Mario, but there has to be room for ONE other platformer, right?

Selling a product in this genre that doesn't have a certain italian plumber is definitely a hard sell to the general public, and as much as you don't want to admit it, it's also a hard sell to you.
Most of us gave up hope on the platforming genre right after Super Mario 64, which I'm sure a great few of you agree to be the greatest platformer of all time. The question I have, is why? Is it because Sonic has slunk into a depression? Maybe you think it's because platformers are archaic.
But I beg you to believe me, Psychonauts ISN'T archaic, it's rejuvenated by a lack of giant mutant turtles and a stolen princess, it's made immeasurably better by the fact that you're playing as a main character that you actually like, not just some overweight italian fuck-up who eats mushrooms in his spare time. Not only is it not archaic, it's in fact the most modern platformer out there. And that even beats littleBIGPlanet.

#3: Theres a LOT to do. 
Collecting Figments, completing scavenger hunts, digging for arrowheads, clearing mental cobwebs, exploring the campgrounds, creating and finding PSI challenge markers, finding all of the hidden mental slideshows, collecting lost camper's brains and reaching Rank 100 are just the beginning of everything you can do. Everything is a blast to do and most of them are cleverly hidden and require actual thought to find, and all that adds up to a HUGE game that lasts around twenty-five hours.

#4:  Tim Schafer really deserved to have a hit. 
If you didn't know, Tim Schafer was one of the principal writers of the Monkey Island games, and if you've ever played The Secret of Monkey Island, you'd understand why I'm RAVING over the writing in Psychonauts. Tim Schafer and the other fine folks at Double Fine have yet to have a hit game, and you know what? I think they deserve it more than anyone out there. Double Fine? If you're reading, you're brilliant.

This guy is awesome

#5: The characters are all likable and deeper than you'd think. 

This is Linda, she's a hulking,giant lungfish from the bottom of lake oblongata,
the inside of her mind is a tiny metropolis thats filled with tiny versions of
herself. Also she has a romantic history with a talking  frog named Mr. Pokeylopes.

And Linda is only the beginning. There ends up being around a dozen minds you enter, and almost all of them have hidden areas where the specific character has a hidden or repressed memory that you have to help them deal with, and by the end of the game, you'll have fought all of their demons, lived their nightmares and made you and them stronger from it. I'd try to give you some sort of game that gave you a similar experience, but that's just it, theres absolutely nothing else like Psychonauts out there, and thats why you suck for not playing it.

Why The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time is overrated.

Yes. You can hate me (Ollie) all you want, but I think that Ocarina of Time is overrated. Here are some reasons why. :J

Bad Graphics:
Yeah, the graphics are bland and tiring to look at, yet somehow, everyone, even today, seem to say these are near perfect graphics. See that picture above? That's how bad they are! :J

Worse Controls Than Others:

This is another thing that people seem to overrate. The controls are reliable to an extent, but they aren't nearly as great as the ones before and after it (Especially Wind Waker). And again, these controls are good, but arguably the worst in the series.

NAVI:

Okay, this isn't really a part that is overrated, but still bad. Navi, the little flying fairy that accompanies you, is extremely annoying. And this is sadly one of the only parts that receives the most critisism (Other than the Water Temple >:l).

Story:

Now, I've heard people say that OTHER Zeldas have stories that are unoriginal. But this one everyone seems to love! This is actually the typical Zelda story as you would expect it. It's that whole thing where a princess gets kidnapped by the main antagonist. This is the one most people would expect. So, basically, this story is overrated.

I can't think of anything else, but there is most likely more. So, yeah, this game is overrated.

(Wind Waker is best)

Ollie is here!

Ollie is the new author I was talking about earlier, he's going to do some really cool stuff for us, including a pretty cool article on The Legend of Zelda (IT'LL BE KICKASS), I hope y'all enjoy his writing.

A notice for the fans,

I NEED A NEW AUTHOR! 
To anyone interested, just IM me. There are a few rules to posting that I'll explain to the winner.
Also I love you all!

Happy We Hate Seagulls Day!

In honor of those killed on September 11th, please shoot a seagull!*

*don't actually shoot any of these sorry evil bastards.
We could get sued, so, Shoot. Wink. Seagulls.

Under the rainbow

Deathly shadows, raining pale, when justice don't and won't prevail. Stealing business, losing cash, fade of interest, bernie mac. Left field antics, to and fro, petty semantics, shining glow.
And this I know took me over and beyond the rainbow. 

Happiness, disquiet love, readiness and treasure troves. Desert valleys, oasis hills, sold rotten teeth to pay the bills. Distrustfulness, undying love, one little kiss to rise above.
And this I know took me over and beyond the rainbow.

Do not under any circumstances perform any of the acts described below

Attempt to assassinate the king of a small village.
Sing praise to the Egyptian sun ghost or Space Ghost.
Marry an axe murderer.
Mispronounce any words found in the Necronomicon.
Trust anyone with the last name "Morgan".
Twist the Windex bottle caps halfway and then squirt them.
Name your first-born son Bickford Schmeckler.
Perform a spot-on impression of Sean Connery on live television while speaking to someone with the same first name as you.
Trust that walrus!

Trust me, bad things have happened to good people. 

The Axis of Satan

As you can tell from our many posts, we have a certain few grudges against certain.... groups.
These groups have become our enemies in highly varying ways, from killing a certain reporter's parents to stealing garbage and even causing 9/11.

"Seagulls were spotted right after the plane crashed. They were laughing and flapping those evil wings." ~ Rysmugen

In and around the blog, we've begun to refer to them as "The Axis of Satan", a name that inspires fear in the hearts of children and magicians everywhere, a name that strikes chaos into the heart of all the great cities and also New Jersey.

But never fear them, for they aren't even the worst of our nightmares, remember, there is always the walruses.

Raccoons stole my garbage

DEADBEAT BASTARDS!

 I understand that garbage is, in fact, garbage, but many times, I throw away such devices that ought not be thrown away, in violent clusterfucks my therapist likes to call "tantrums", and one such of these items was my iPad (mainly usable only as a serving plate) that ran me $500.
But then those damn raccoons stole it and probably took it to their evil little raccoon lairs and eat it.

Don't trust Raccoons, their little masks around their eyes are to protect their identities while they swindle you out of a good serving plate.

Pete Townshend.

I would like to pay tribute to Pete Townshend: he invented the windmill guitar playing, smashing the guitar playing and works with the FBI to track down sex-offenders.

Overall, he is pretty awesome.

Also, LOOK AT HIS DAMN NOSE.

It's large, isn't it? I believe it beats Ringo's nose.

It's longer, skinnier and just overall, very big.

Also, he's quite tall.

Pete Townshend, you are amazing.

Thank you for your time. Goodbye.

Another guy is helping me run the blog!

Although he lacks money powers, I think rysmugen'll do a nice job posting decent random crap on the blog, wish him luck!

Seagulls caused 911.

Seagulls are one of the many "Spawns Of Satan"s. Look at them,

They have horrifying beaks, their feet just look.. Evil! They have wings; EVIL.

Plus, a flock of seagulls attacked the airplane in 911. This is a proven fact.

According to the "We Don't Know Shit" science lab, seagulls were spotted right after the plane crashed. They were laughing and flapping those evil wings.

Watch out. Seagulls are everywhere.

This is just another reason to hate the beach.

Who the WHAT voted for zombies in the favorite apocalypse poll?

Okay, that's just WEIRD that someone would prefer zombies over cookie monster?

This or a muppet in the apocalypse.
JUST SAYIN'

Dean's inscribed guitar

Saw this in a guitar store and thought it was weird

We have polls -------------------> (if you didn't notice)

They're pretty neat and I've been consistently updating them with a new poll each week, so, just sayin', YOU CAN VOTE IN THEM.
(Also, I'll give the winning answer a post dedicated to it from now on.)

I have a band (pictures and videos coming soon maybe)

Amazing, right? We're called The Strangers.
Anyways, I should have probably done this before I bitched about memorizing lyrics, BUT ITS MY BLOG SO SHUT UP AND LET ME TELL YOU WHO'S IN IT.
First off, we have Simon on the drums, he's very loud and has super-human guitar hero skills.
Then there's Dean on the bass guitar, he's quiet sometimes and has VERY long and warrior-like hair.
Also there's Kyle, who's real name really isn't Kyle, because he no longer possesses the ability to manipulate sea turtles and large sums of money, and it is at this point that people who don't understand many of these in-jokes will start to lose the point of this post.
Oh, and I almost forgot me, I'm Sort've Irrelevant and I'm going to be singing for you tonight.

Memorizing lyrics is HARD!

Especially when they're "My Generation"...

So I'm supposed to do this concert type thing and I have to memorize a few new songs, and one in particular is EVIL (My Generation). I love the who, but if they continue to stutter, I'm going to shoot something. 

(Here is the song on youtube for sadomasochists who want to memorize the lyrics for themselves.)

Not Alright

"Okay Jonathan, do you remember the plan?"

"What plan?"

"You don't remember what we're doing tonight?"

"I thought we were going to have a pleasent evening eating at this rather nice restaurant."

"Why would we do that?"

"I don't know, maybe because we're engaged?"

"You know, sometimes I forget why I accepted your offer..."

"Well, maybe I'll just have to show you."

"So you remember the plan?"

"How could I forget, you must've gone over it a hundred times in the car"

Jonathan wasted very little time and stepped off of his seat and unloaded his relatively small gun. His accomplice stepped onto the table and smirked in such a way that some people may recognise as body language for the sentence "Theres the man I love!". Jonathan handed the woman the tiny, unintimidating gun to the woman, who, as it happens, looked signifigantly more intimidating with the gun than Jonathan did. Jonathan, who previously had radiated confidence in the conversation before, shot a glance of fear at the woman. The woman leaned in toward Jonathan and whispered

"Everything is gonna be alright, Jonathan."

"I love you, Lucy."

The pair kissed briefly but then realised that at that point, they were standing on a table in a crowded restaurant kissing whilst there was work to be done. Jonathan then bent down to reach his seat and lifted up what appeared to have been a frilly and stylish handbag at one point, but was now reduced to a tattered rag that would barely suit carrying a young man's old discarded socks. Lucy reached her right hand into the bag and unveiled a shiny and rather petit handgun that nicely matched the obviously unintimidating pistol to her right.

That Lucy, always into fashion.

Jonathan reached into the small bag and wrestled with a rusty silver handle for a moment.

"It's stuck."

"I TOLD you we needed a new bag if you were going to carry around that rusty old sword."

"Well we were broke when you said that and now, at the time when I need the damn thing, to GET cash to buy a bigger bag, its STUCK."

"You know what? Just use your old knife."

"For the last time, its a DAGGER."

"Well, why don't you use your DAGGER?"

"I don't WANNA."

"Then use this!"

Lucy violently threw the less shiny pistol at Jonathan, who was forced to duck to avoid a rather intimidating headache from what was usually considered a rather unintimidating handgun. It was at this point that the patrons of the restaurant began to watch the couple's antics, which if you were unable to tell by now, were quite loud and what some would designate as "vaguely humorous", although Lucy would probably be angered if they were designated as such.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"BEING AN IDIOT, THATS WHAT!"

"SHOULDN'T WE BE DOING SOME SORT OF ROBBERY RIGHT NOW?"

"WELL WE WOULD BE IF YOU HADN'T BROUGHT THAT DAMNED SWORD!"

"WHAT DID MY SWORD EVER DO TO YOU!?"

"JUST GET ON WITH IT!"

"FINE! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I apologize for Lucy and I's vulgarity and I hope we can put that behind us and perform this robbery in as civil a way as possible."

After saying this in an attempt to calm the patrons of what he thought would be a distraught and angered restaurant, those poor people began to laugh.

"Stop!"

"You'll make her angry!"

"SHE'S LIKE THE GODDAM INCREDIBLE HULK! YOU WILL NOT LIKE HER WHEN SHE IS ANGRY!"

Jonathan's pleas were drowned in a sea of lousy laughter. Lucy balled her hands into fists and fumed with what Jonathan believed to be anger. Lucy aimed her shiny gun that despite it's small size, packed a punch, at the glass skylight of the restaurant and pulled the trigger in a very decisive decision to cause chaos. The skylight shattered and bits and pieces of the glass fell on a married lecherous old man who was eating his dinner with a young woman whom he was not in love with and was probably either his mistress or his trophy wife. Either way, he sort've had it coming to him.

"YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?"

Confusion

I went to the aquarium today and I met a narwhal for the first time in my life (I "forgot" to take pictures, so don't expect any). I was surprised when I realized that this narwhal, didn't kill my parents, and this....


BLEW
MY
MIND


So I dedicate this blog to my main man, 


Spencer the talking narwhal.

Top 4: FAVORITE MISCONCEPTIONS!

I understand that once in a while, we all make mistakes and whatnot, but although we all make mistakes, some of them are so prevalent in society that they need listing, if you have made or continue to make these common blunders in your life, please, for the health of the young children's minds, stop.

#4: "Would Dr. Pepper be okay?" 
No, it wouldn't, I have no idea why when I asked for a root beer, that DR. FUCKING PEPPER would be a good substitute.

#3: "Y'lnow, if you spend all that time in the bathroom, hair'll start to grow on your hands" 
Why is it that whenever a teenager spends a long time in the bathroom, people always assume we just spent three hours in the bathroom wanking. Okay, A, if someone has the stamina to spend three hours masturbating, they probably would have bigger guns than an Iranian arms dealer and B, if I were doing that, WHY DID I JUST WALK OUT OF THAT ROOM WITH THE CATCHER AND THE RYE?

#2: "My son/daughter is so kind, generous, charming, intelligent and talented!" 
Maybe in your tiny, insignificant mind, your screaming little timebomb is a perfect example, but thats in your mind, which in general is pretty detached from what I like to call "the real world".

#1: "Can I play your WiiStation 360?" 
I hate people.

A FOURTH cartoon

A little dog

Our SECOND video

Our first video

Existentialism is a Pain

"Why are you all mocking me?"
"Who honestly gives a fuck"
"Thats just mean" 
"What do you mean? He's telling the truth. It should be obvious why we're mocking him."
"Wait a minute, I'm confused, why WERE we mocking him?" 
"I think it was because he was complaining that we weren't mocking him." 
"I think we were mocking him because he's a schmup."
"I'm not a-"
"Well, the fact that he was complaining about not being mocked while we were mocking each other may in fact make him a schmup by proxy."
"Because cowboy-hat Us is missing?"
"Bingo"
"But I dont have five in a row!" 
"SHUT UP, OLD WRINKLY US"
"All this existentialism is giving me a headache"
"Of course its giving YOU a headache" 
"Why would the Us with a thick Bronx accent be given a headache by existentialism?"
"He's new york Us? I thought he was drama queen actor Us"
"Hmmm.... You may be right, maybe we should ask him."
"Don't you think that asking him would be rude?"
"HELLO? I'M RIGHT HERE YOU SCHMUPS!" 
"Thats new york Us"
"Bingo"
"GODDAMMIT, YOU YOUNGSTERS, I STILL DON'T HAVE FIVE IN A ROW" 
"SHUT IT, SCHMUPPY WRINKLY OLD US!"
"YOU WILL RESPECT YOUR ELDERS SIR!"
"All this yelling is making my ears hurt!"
"SHUT UP WHINY EMO BASTARD US"
"YOU'RE NO SPRING CHICKEN, US WHO USES AGRESSIVE, STANDOFF-ISH COMEDY TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOUR INSECURITIES!"

I cant think of anything else to write

End-ish

Am I a big fat liar?

Its quite possible.
I've lied to you, the readers, far too many times. First I said I'd be posting every day, THEN I didn't, then I said that again, and this is my first post in weeks! WEEKS!
Sorry for my lying!

An assload of couplets

Love is lovely, us lovely two.
If I weren't loving, I wouldn't know you.

Death is darkly, shadows in blue.
Matter-of-factly, snarling true.

In this dark my chamber burrows.
My enemies research me, dangerously thorough.

I give you what, what was sent to me.
My friend is my enemy's enemy.

Basilisk, toad, owl, cat, broom.
Magic, lily pad, lily toad, bloom.

I absolutely HATE rain

This post should be understandable if you're one of the millions of billions of people who have experienced the idiotic masterpiece known as rain. If you hate rain as much as I do, don't read on.
But, if you're one of the lucky few who have never experienced the freezing chill, deafening sound and unsavory smell of rain, I highly suggest you read on, and uncover the shrill, creeping, inevitable unpleasantness that is rain.

The unbearable, infinite sorrow that lies in the aftermath of rain.

As you all can tell from the inclosed picture, rain leaves behind as much chaos as there was while it was raining down from the clouds. This damp, cold, dirty tundra that we are forced to trudge through after every session of rain is actually worsened when you're trapped in the tiny claustrophobic box that is better known as a car. 

This should be avoided if possible. 

Also, the unbearable patter of rain on roofs everywhere has the truly despicable side-effects including, but not limited to; paranoia, blurry photographs, shiny eyes and wide-open mouths. 

Things I hate

• Any kind of poop that doesn't come from a unicorn.
• Not being able to post recently.
• Walruses
• Narwhals.
• The ability to turn your tongue completely upside-down.
• Realtors.
• The name "Shane".
• People who use air quotation marks as if to insinuate that you don't understand what they just said. 
• Emo bastards.
• People that speak using way too many codewords.

Pee Wee Herman on Funny or Die!

This video makes funny or die the best website EVER. Thats actually Paul Reubens on the camera! Its great to see the greatest performer of all time showing off his iPad.

Pee-wee Gets An iPad! from Pee-wee Herman

Guess what? I'm evil

I took a walk around Jacksonville and saw several amazing statues and whatnot. You guys REALLY ought to see them. Oh? You want to see them? Too bad, I'm evil.

See? I'm evil

Me! (from today in my hotel room)

Because you demanded it (apparently)

The updated Awesometer

Yesterday, in order to show how amazing Keith Olbermann's mustache is the most awesome mustache in the history of mustaches, I broke out my magistrate approved, ultra-chunky, funky phresh Awesometer. I've come here today to show you...

The Awesometer 2.0!
As you can see, Cats sucks, Liam Neeson is a jedi knight and Jack Nicholson is still awesome

I had a.... Full.... Day... Ish

Despite what I've said on the blog here to the contrary, Jacksonville has been pretty cool (if you like big, boring, foggy cities, this is the place to go!). Made almost enough posts to warrant a victory dance and I made a joke about the weird architecture in Jacksonville. I was unable to sleep in a hotel and now I'm laying on a bench with my netbook blogging these final words. 

Thank you, and good night

Why Keith Olbermann's mustache is the greatest mustache in the history of mustaches

As you can see, Mr. Olbermann's mustache from his days on ESPN is waaaaay off the chart

Mullet-Shaped Feathers

As you can tell, theres a lot of weird stuff in Jacksonville, But I feel this weird thing deserves its own post.

Business in the front, party in the back

We're in Jacksonville!

Its like San Fransisco, without the cool

Hello people! I should say that we're live in Jacksonville but, the post title kind've makes that obvious. I've realized that this place is VEEEEERY strange. For example, 

The joggers are made out of bronze.

Penis-shaped architecture

The hotel I couldn't afford

The hotel I could afford

The healing towels outside the hotel

Look out for more articles throughout the week on the freakiness of this strange town.

My agenda and why you need to shut up and listen

As you can tell by now, I like fabricating complete LIES. This blog may not be funny to your friends but that might be because most of the comedy found here is in this site's complete incoherence to itself. This isn't a crazy person's blog (yet), this is a battle cry, this is a sign, and I leave you with this.

How Narwhals Killed My Parents

If you didn't notice, on the very first post of this blog, I posted a picture (see it here) that said that narwhals killed my parents and I demand a chance to explain. I warn you my children, the tale I'm about to tell is an adult, graphically violent, foul languaged story about love, life and a gopher named Davie.

Once upon a fairy tale in a land far far away from adult, graphically violent, foul languaged stories about love, life and A gopher named Davie, A beautiful princess was born.

If you're thinking that is the location in which this tale is set, you're a gullible idiot who needs to learn when I'm using sarcasm.

My life began like many others, my father was a turkish volcano insurance salesman with tourettes and a chip on his shoulder, my mother died before I was born in an unfortunate accident with a narwhal that had one eye (Told you so). After my father was fired after yet another one of his unfortunate outbursts, he was forced into working at the local aquarium to pay for my anglosaxophone lessons, a hobby that was forced upon me by my grief counselor when I was three-ish. My life was quaint and normal-ish, until one fateful early morning at the aquarium while my father was feeding the narwhals when he saw a grizzled old narwhal with one, scarred eye. My father was filled with rage at the sight of this beast being still alive and jumped into the tank, I was told that my father did unrepairable damage to that narwhal, and he even scratched out his only eye, but in the end, my dad was outnumbered and outclassed. Later that day, he was found in the narwhal tank, impaled by the same narwhal that killed his wife. I was eleven at the time and I did what any normal-ish kid would do in that situation, I ran away.

I ran as fast as my little legs could carry me into the forest, where I knew I was safe from the narwhals that had killed my parents. I was found by a magical gopher named Davie, he raised me like one of his own, but that children, is a completely different tale.*

*This story is complete bullshit