Do not under any circumstances perform any of the acts described below

Attempt to assassinate the king of a small village.
Sing praise to the Egyptian sun ghost or Space Ghost.
Marry an axe murderer.
Mispronounce any words found in the Necronomicon.
Trust anyone with the last name "Morgan".
Twist the Windex bottle caps halfway and then squirt them.
Name your first-born son Bickford Schmeckler.
Perform a spot-on impression of Sean Connery on live television while speaking to someone with the same first name as you.
Trust that walrus!

Trust me, bad things have happened to good people.